


Leaving Me Behind

by softmorts



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-01
Updated: 2015-08-01
Packaged: 2018-04-12 11:08:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4477028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softmorts/pseuds/softmorts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Retelling of the events of "Loss" from Olivia's point of view, but with added Cabenson, because who doesn't love a bit of that?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Leaving Me Behind

**Author's Note:**

> I've watched over 100 episodes of this show in less than two weeks. My head is a wreck. I apologise for this mess.

    "No. No, no, no. Nononono- NO!" _  
_

    Her ears ring as the last echo of the gunshot processes in her mind as she sees the body sprawled out behind her. Blonde hair, tainted with red blood, fanned out around the startled, unseeing face. She's seen death before, but not like this.

    Never like this.

    Her hand flies to the source, steady stream of blood from the shoulder, and she screams for help, though whether verbally or in her mind she knows not. Her eyes flick from the wound to her face, and she leans forwards, a silent plea in them, a question, _are you with me?_

"Stay with me, sweetheart, stay with me. C'mon."

    The eyes - her eyes - stare up,  _why won't you look at me, please, please, look at me, baby, please look at me, I need to know you're alive_ , and she can feel her heart breaking, her soul tearing in two.

    "Alex. Alex. Alex, Alex. Alex. Alex..." she repeats, begs, pleads, over and over, cracked voice dissolving into incoherent murmurs.

    Elliot's standing behind her now. He couldn't have chased the car anyway; it was already gone when Alex hit the ground. He's staring at them, and for a moment they make eye contact before she has to turn around and look at Alex again.

    Why hasn't he gotten help yet?

    Seconds fade into minutes fade into hours, during which Alex is pronounced dead, her body taken from the scene, and Olivia makes her way back to the precinct. She won't cry, not now. Maybe later.

    The next day is spent in silence. They work quickly, quietly, barely a word spoken. The atmosphere is riddled with sorrow. Even John, cynical bastard that he is, looks upset. At some point that evening, no-one really knows the time, a nervous-looking kid no older than nineteen makes his way in, carrying a newspaper in his hands. He wordlessly makes his way into the Captain's office, sets the paper on the desk with a stuttered "sir", and makes a hasty retreat. Nobody says anything. They don't need to.

    Seconds later, the sound of something slamming the wall, a fist, maybe, is heard, and Olivia starts. Donald Cragen never loses his temper like this. Elliot looks over at her. She registers it, but doesn't respond, stare flicking between her black-banded badge and the clock on her desk, the second hand in a never-ending loop.

    Tick. Tick. Tick.

    With an angry sigh and heavy steps, she pushes up from behind her desk and storms out into the pouring rain. She's left her coat behind, but she can't go back there now. She needs out, needs to fo somewhere that doesn't remind her of Alex.

    Alex.

    They had just been getting somewhere; Alex was finally loosening up. They'd even gone out for drinks a couple of times. Olivia was going to ask her out after this whole ordeal was over. Those bastards had taken the victims' lives. Now they had taken Alex's, too. They'd taken her from Olivia.

    Oh, Alex. She thinks she may have fallen in love with her, given more time and opportunity.

    Maybe she already had.

    She enters her home, quiet and cold, and flops down onto her bed, not bothering to undress before a fitful sleep claims her, fraught with nightmares and visions of the one she's lost,  _"Why didn't you save me Olivia, why didn't you save me?"_

_I'm sorry._

    She wakes up shaking and sobbing, and for once lets it claim her, allows herself this one time to  _feel_.

    It's not like anyone will see her.

    It's not like Alex will ever know.

    She convinces herself she ~~doesn't~~ didn't love her, that that's why she doesn't say it the next say when Alex steps out of the vehicle, shoulder bound and slung, comes before her like a ghost, and not because she fears the inevitable rejection she's so familiar with.

    It's better that way, she supposes, and she watches as Alex is driven away, out of her life, into a new one. She turns, walks back to the car.

    She doesn't look back.


End file.
